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I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
reduce, reuse, recycle
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.