If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
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I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Morning my dudes.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
🤣✨#caturday
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya