doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
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New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Pretty much! 😂👀
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Breaking news:
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low