Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
real
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar