BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
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It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.