me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
how much for the angry fruit?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
The first matador
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.