Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
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toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too