I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.