i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
That took me a moment.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Sweet. Free refrigerators!