By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
You Might Also Like
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast