Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
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Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
There are usually two types of merchants.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.