I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
(more comics:
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers