Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Oh yeah that’s it
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat