Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth