I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me irl
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now