Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”