my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐