My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
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Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Harsh but fair
we all know this pain all too well
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs