My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.