When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
hmm conte-me mais
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”