Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
This could be us but you eatin’
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress