Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
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Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.