I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
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[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.