[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is