Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
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Wednesday
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
reduce, reuse, recycle
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*