You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.