bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
You Might Also Like
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic