Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
You Might Also Like
Festive toon…
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.