For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
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I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
how to have fun when you’re poor
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?