i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I’d hang this in my house.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit