ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson