peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best