My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.