How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
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Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.