you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
😍😂🥰😂😍
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place