My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that