“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial