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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Ain’t no way
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”