My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur