nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk