[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga