An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!