911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.