Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.