I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve