just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real