“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
This will teach them to underestimate me
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.