I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Bring back the McRib
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
tinder is all about the long game