“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name