When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
then why did i get this email
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.